retreating back into my coccoon

This past week marked six years since I separated from my ex-husband.  Seven years and two and a half months after we said "I do", Fourteen and a half months after our son was born.  My heart was shattered into a million pieces, but I had to end our marriage for my own sanity and the hope that I could make life better for my baby.  I don't believe that a miserable parent can raise a happy child.  I didn't want to wake up one day, old and bitter, having spent years making each other miserable and making our child miserable in the process.  I put up a wall around me and was happy to dedicate my time to my son.  For about five years I convinced myself that I was fine alone, I had my son, my family and my friends.  I had work, hobbies, swim lessons, baseball practices and games, basketball practices and games, school functions... then one day I truly felt lonely for the first time, longing for adult companionship, for those conversations that you only have with a significant other, for having someone to kiss at midnight on new year's, for having that someone you call right away when good or bad things happen.

A few months ago I dipped my toes into the dating world again.  Common friends introduced me to a man about my age, divorced himself, who also has a young son.  Nice man, intelligent, with a sense of humor.  We talked on the phone and via text for weeks (through one of the hardest times in my life, but I'll get to that some other time), never an ackward pause or lack of conversation topics.  Then he asked me out on a date and we saw each other quite often, making our relationship "exclusive."  Well, about a week and a half ago he broke up with me.  It broke my heart for various reasons:  One, I really like him and two, it took 5.5 years to start dating again.  This was hardly what I needed.  For about a week I'd wait for his calls and emails that never came.  Went to a wedding to which he was supposed to accompany me, and found myself daydreaming that he'd surprise me and show up and, like in the movies, he'd walk up and ask me to dance.  He didn't.  Earlier this week he contacted me and asked if we could meet this weekend and talk, I said yes.  For a couple of days we sent emails back & forth and chatted briefly on the phone a few times.  I thought he wanted to try to work things out, get back together perhaps.  I started to look forward to his calls and emails again.  Then, the other day, he told the common friend that he had broken up with me and I crumbled again.  Why would he tell her when he had just asked to meet?  Obviously he's not interested in getting back together.  I've been lying to people when they ask me about him, not wanting to say that it's over, not wanting the uncomfortable questions and looks of pity, and not if we were getting back together.  He didn't like my sarcastic remark about him telling her, hasn't called or emailed me since, so that's his decision. 

Dating takes a lot of work, patience and time.  I have a full time job and I am a single mom, time is precious.  I've never been very patient but learned to bite my tongue and pick my battles.  I was willing to put in the work but it's a two-way street and he's got to meet me in the middle of the road. 

My heart, which had been patched up and held together by a glimmer of hope, is broken again and there is not enough crazy glue in this world to fix it right now.  In the last couple of days, I've felt my wall going back up.  I'm retreating back into my cocoon, where I was happy, a bit lonely, but happy not having to deal with relationships.

Why did I start a blog?

I've been toying with the idea of a blog for some time now and finally did it.  Not sure what I'll do with it, except that I need an outlet for some of the stuff roaming around in my mind.  Someone recently described "a blog" to me as "an online diary"... no, I will not use this a diary, I write stuff in my diary that you wouldn't want to read!  just kidding.  I will definitely share some of what goes through my mind, what happens in my life and I will share pictures of my self-prescribed therapies:  baking, cooking and greeting cards (stamping).  I will also share with my adventure in being a single mom living in a 7-year-old boy's world and dipping my toes in the dating world.  No promises of intellectual chatter or life-changing information, just a glimpse into my mind and soul.