Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas and that the New Year brings you lots of happiness and inner peace.
My son and I spent Christmas Eve at my special-friend's house, where I visited with his parents while my son played with his son. Then, some of his extended family arrived and I got to meet them and chat a bit before we headed out to my sister's house for dinner. On Christmas Day, my special-friend came over for brunch after he dropped off his son at the mother's house. We then spent the evening at his Grandmother's house where I met more of his extended family. Very warm and welcoming family.
My family celebrates on Christmas Eve, and on Christmas Day pretty much everyone is on their own. I try to visit other chunks of my family, but this year I didn't. It is the first Christmas without my brother and I just couldn't drive out to his house, as much as I wanted to visit my sister-in-law and the kids. In a selfish moment, I didn't want to spend time with family.
Tomorrow I will drive down to my Mom's house. My son loves to visit Grandma.
I hope you got to spend time with loved ones.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
my birthday...
So, my birthday came and went. I spent the first part of the day at home with my son. I took some allergy medicine which made me very drowsy and I took a nap. I felt bad for my son, who pretty much had to entertain himself while I had trouble waking up from my nap. Later that afternoon, we picked up Grandpa and went to a Major League Soccer game, L.A. Galaxy vs. Chivas USA. Not quite the soccer my Dad is used to, but an outing nonetheless. They ate over-priced hotdogs, we shared a large popcorn and the snacks I packed (water, trail mix, crackers & cheese), then my son got a treat: blue cotton candy!
Every year I disappoint myself. Well, others disappoint me, but I say that I do it to myself because I expect too much from others. Rather, I expect others to make the same big deal about my birthday that I make about theirs. They don't. Except for my Mom. She had been in town the week prior and left me a card with $$ in it. Before I spent it on whoknowswhat, I bought myself a new monitor/tv. I had a very ancient monitor, that I hated using because I'm so accustomed to the large flat one I have at work, in front of which I sit for many hours a day. It's sitting in its box. Still. I will get to it, but first I have to find the energy and motivation to go into my little office and clean up a bit.
The following day (Monday) my co-workers had a "birthday breakfast" for me: breakfast burritos, cake and mini cupcakes. The "birthday lunch" has been postponed due to scheduling difficulties. They pitched in and bought me a fancy toaster oven... well, a convection toaster oven. They won't have to hear me complain about the crappy one I have, that doesn't toast correctly. They gave me the receipt and said there's a fancier one I may like better. I went to check it out and I do like it better, so I just might pay the difference (while there's a discount offered) and upgrade it.
The following weekend, my "guy friend" cooked dinner for me. I was exhausted from running around taking my son to and from his activities, cooking quick meals in between and just never getting enough sleep. I wanted to just stay home, crawl under a blankie, watch a movie, color with my son... but, I changed into a clean summer dress (I live in So. Cal, it still feels like Summer at times) and sandals, put some lipgloss on, dropped off my son at my sister's house and went to his house. We ate chicken, brown rice & veggies. We chatted and watched some tv. I picked up my son, who was still awake and full of energy (at least I didn't have to carry him to the car!) and drove home. I collapsed on my bed. The next morning, my "guy friend" called, I do not remember most of the conversation. I remember him asking why I was talking "like that" and I replied that I was sleeping, and him telling me to go back to sleep. Suddenly (ok, about 30 mns. later) my son ran into my room saying that someone was at the door. I pulled my robe on and tried to open both eyes simultaneously while making a futile attempt at smoothing down my wild bed hair (I guess I neglected to braid it before passing out). I wasn't planning to open the door - I wasn't expecting anyone - so I looked through the peep hole to find my handsome "guy friend" smiling at me. I opened the door and he was holding a grocery bag with breakfast items. Apparently, I had told him to bring me breakfast, stating that I had sausages and o.j. -- I did have both items, and he wouldn't have known, so I guess I said it! I ran to my room to make myself presentable, sort of, and then proceeded to make my son his Sunday-ChocolateChip-MultiGrain-Pancakes with a side of strawberries & bananas, and whipped up a concoction of eggs/onions/mushrooms/spinach with a side of sausages, english muffins, coffee and o.j. for my "guy friend" and I. After a late breakfast, we watched football. Well, he whined for two days that he tried to watch football while I interrupted him. Hey! I gave up watching food shows while doing laundry and cleaning house to sit with him, the least he could do was talk to me!
Every year I disappoint myself. Well, others disappoint me, but I say that I do it to myself because I expect too much from others. Rather, I expect others to make the same big deal about my birthday that I make about theirs. They don't. Except for my Mom. She had been in town the week prior and left me a card with $$ in it. Before I spent it on whoknowswhat, I bought myself a new monitor/tv. I had a very ancient monitor, that I hated using because I'm so accustomed to the large flat one I have at work, in front of which I sit for many hours a day. It's sitting in its box. Still. I will get to it, but first I have to find the energy and motivation to go into my little office and clean up a bit.
The following day (Monday) my co-workers had a "birthday breakfast" for me: breakfast burritos, cake and mini cupcakes. The "birthday lunch" has been postponed due to scheduling difficulties. They pitched in and bought me a fancy toaster oven... well, a convection toaster oven. They won't have to hear me complain about the crappy one I have, that doesn't toast correctly. They gave me the receipt and said there's a fancier one I may like better. I went to check it out and I do like it better, so I just might pay the difference (while there's a discount offered) and upgrade it.
The following weekend, my "guy friend" cooked dinner for me. I was exhausted from running around taking my son to and from his activities, cooking quick meals in between and just never getting enough sleep. I wanted to just stay home, crawl under a blankie, watch a movie, color with my son... but, I changed into a clean summer dress (I live in So. Cal, it still feels like Summer at times) and sandals, put some lipgloss on, dropped off my son at my sister's house and went to his house. We ate chicken, brown rice & veggies. We chatted and watched some tv. I picked up my son, who was still awake and full of energy (at least I didn't have to carry him to the car!) and drove home. I collapsed on my bed. The next morning, my "guy friend" called, I do not remember most of the conversation. I remember him asking why I was talking "like that" and I replied that I was sleeping, and him telling me to go back to sleep. Suddenly (ok, about 30 mns. later) my son ran into my room saying that someone was at the door. I pulled my robe on and tried to open both eyes simultaneously while making a futile attempt at smoothing down my wild bed hair (I guess I neglected to braid it before passing out). I wasn't planning to open the door - I wasn't expecting anyone - so I looked through the peep hole to find my handsome "guy friend" smiling at me. I opened the door and he was holding a grocery bag with breakfast items. Apparently, I had told him to bring me breakfast, stating that I had sausages and o.j. -- I did have both items, and he wouldn't have known, so I guess I said it! I ran to my room to make myself presentable, sort of, and then proceeded to make my son his Sunday-ChocolateChip-MultiGrain-Pancakes with a side of strawberries & bananas, and whipped up a concoction of eggs/onions/mushrooms/spinach with a side of sausages, english muffins, coffee and o.j. for my "guy friend" and I. After a late breakfast, we watched football. Well, he whined for two days that he tried to watch football while I interrupted him. Hey! I gave up watching food shows while doing laundry and cleaning house to sit with him, the least he could do was talk to me!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
obvious secrets
If someone tells you something personal, do you go tell someone else? even if the first person didn't say, "please don't tell anyone", isn't obvious, isn't it? that if it's personal it should remain personal.
I just found out that someone told other people something I said. No, I didn't specify that it was a secret and it's not something that other people shouldn't know. It's just something that was personal and unique between that person and I. One of the two other people that heard it is not a close friend of either one of us... and that person told someone else.
Anyway, let's remember that if what we are told sounds personal, we shouldn't go tell other people, let's keep it personal.
I just found out that someone told other people something I said. No, I didn't specify that it was a secret and it's not something that other people shouldn't know. It's just something that was personal and unique between that person and I. One of the two other people that heard it is not a close friend of either one of us... and that person told someone else.
Anyway, let's remember that if what we are told sounds personal, we shouldn't go tell other people, let's keep it personal.
Friday, September 30, 2011
retreating back into my coccoon
This past week marked six years since I separated from my ex-husband. Seven years and two and a half months after we said "I do", Fourteen and a half months after our son was born. My heart was shattered into a million pieces, but I had to end our marriage for my own sanity and the hope that I could make life better for my baby. I don't believe that a miserable parent can raise a happy child. I didn't want to wake up one day, old and bitter, having spent years making each other miserable and making our child miserable in the process. I put up a wall around me and was happy to dedicate my time to my son. For about five years I convinced myself that I was fine alone, I had my son, my family and my friends. I had work, hobbies, swim lessons, baseball practices and games, basketball practices and games, school functions... then one day I truly felt lonely for the first time, longing for adult companionship, for those conversations that you only have with a significant other, for having someone to kiss at midnight on new year's, for having that someone you call right away when good or bad things happen.
A few months ago I dipped my toes into the dating world again. Common friends introduced me to a man about my age, divorced himself, who also has a young son. Nice man, intelligent, with a sense of humor. We talked on the phone and via text for weeks (through one of the hardest times in my life, but I'll get to that some other time), never an ackward pause or lack of conversation topics. Then he asked me out on a date and we saw each other quite often, making our relationship "exclusive." Well, about a week and a half ago he broke up with me. It broke my heart for various reasons: One, I really like him and two, it took 5.5 years to start dating again. This was hardly what I needed. For about a week I'd wait for his calls and emails that never came. Went to a wedding to which he was supposed to accompany me, and found myself daydreaming that he'd surprise me and show up and, like in the movies, he'd walk up and ask me to dance. He didn't. Earlier this week he contacted me and asked if we could meet this weekend and talk, I said yes. For a couple of days we sent emails back & forth and chatted briefly on the phone a few times. I thought he wanted to try to work things out, get back together perhaps. I started to look forward to his calls and emails again. Then, the other day, he told the common friend that he had broken up with me and I crumbled again. Why would he tell her when he had just asked to meet? Obviously he's not interested in getting back together. I've been lying to people when they ask me about him, not wanting to say that it's over, not wanting the uncomfortable questions and looks of pity, and not if we were getting back together. He didn't like my sarcastic remark about him telling her, hasn't called or emailed me since, so that's his decision.
Dating takes a lot of work, patience and time. I have a full time job and I am a single mom, time is precious. I've never been very patient but learned to bite my tongue and pick my battles. I was willing to put in the work but it's a two-way street and he's got to meet me in the middle of the road.
My heart, which had been patched up and held together by a glimmer of hope, is broken again and there is not enough crazy glue in this world to fix it right now. In the last couple of days, I've felt my wall going back up. I'm retreating back into my cocoon, where I was happy, a bit lonely, but happy not having to deal with relationships.
A few months ago I dipped my toes into the dating world again. Common friends introduced me to a man about my age, divorced himself, who also has a young son. Nice man, intelligent, with a sense of humor. We talked on the phone and via text for weeks (through one of the hardest times in my life, but I'll get to that some other time), never an ackward pause or lack of conversation topics. Then he asked me out on a date and we saw each other quite often, making our relationship "exclusive." Well, about a week and a half ago he broke up with me. It broke my heart for various reasons: One, I really like him and two, it took 5.5 years to start dating again. This was hardly what I needed. For about a week I'd wait for his calls and emails that never came. Went to a wedding to which he was supposed to accompany me, and found myself daydreaming that he'd surprise me and show up and, like in the movies, he'd walk up and ask me to dance. He didn't. Earlier this week he contacted me and asked if we could meet this weekend and talk, I said yes. For a couple of days we sent emails back & forth and chatted briefly on the phone a few times. I thought he wanted to try to work things out, get back together perhaps. I started to look forward to his calls and emails again. Then, the other day, he told the common friend that he had broken up with me and I crumbled again. Why would he tell her when he had just asked to meet? Obviously he's not interested in getting back together. I've been lying to people when they ask me about him, not wanting to say that it's over, not wanting the uncomfortable questions and looks of pity, and not if we were getting back together. He didn't like my sarcastic remark about him telling her, hasn't called or emailed me since, so that's his decision.
Dating takes a lot of work, patience and time. I have a full time job and I am a single mom, time is precious. I've never been very patient but learned to bite my tongue and pick my battles. I was willing to put in the work but it's a two-way street and he's got to meet me in the middle of the road.
My heart, which had been patched up and held together by a glimmer of hope, is broken again and there is not enough crazy glue in this world to fix it right now. In the last couple of days, I've felt my wall going back up. I'm retreating back into my cocoon, where I was happy, a bit lonely, but happy not having to deal with relationships.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Why did I start a blog?
I've been toying with the idea of a blog for some time now and finally did it. Not sure what I'll do with it, except that I need an outlet for some of the stuff roaming around in my mind. Someone recently described "a blog" to me as "an online diary"... no, I will not use this a diary, I write stuff in my diary that you wouldn't want to read! just kidding. I will definitely share some of what goes through my mind, what happens in my life and I will share pictures of my self-prescribed therapies: baking, cooking and greeting cards (stamping). I will also share with my adventure in being a single mom living in a 7-year-old boy's world and dipping my toes in the dating world. No promises of intellectual chatter or life-changing information, just a glimpse into my mind and soul.
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